This blog post is one that is very personal and near and dear to my heart. Looking at those pictures reminds me of someone that I once would do anything to be. I was willing to go to bed hungry, throw up meals, obsessively count calories, and exercise fanatically in order to be her. Being thin was where I found my value.
I was always obsessed with weight. I was a heavy child, and I was never happy with myself. When I was in junior high I began to dip my toe into the world of bulimia. I struggled with this from varying degrees until I was 19 years old. I started dating my husband when I was 17. He knew that this was an issue fairly early on, but never knew how to help. One day he asked and I told him that if we could both start eating very healthy together I would try to stop. I quit cold turkey after that day and never did it again.
I used to think that this was when my problem stopped. That was not the case. That is when I stopped throwing up, but an eating disorder begins in our hearts and in our heads. I did not just eat healthy. I became obsessed with nutrition. I would count calories like it was my job. It started with 1000 calories/day and eventually I let myself do 1100. I even went as far as measuring my cereal and milk in the morning. When Joel would ask me how my day was going, I would tell him how I ate that day. If I slipped up and ate a brownie I would feel so bad that I would eat 3 brownies and my day would be shot. It was at that point in life that I lost a significant amount of weight. I dropped 20 lbs below my normal healthy weight. I was so thin that I feared that I would not be able to have children, because fertility was certainly not possible at the time.
My weight has varied since that time. I have slowly transitioned back to my healthy high school weight. My weight is not the topic of this blog though. It is my value. Where my weight was once the deciding variable, it is finally something that can sustain me, and that is my value as a Child of God and my new role as a mother.
It has finally all clicked into place. I have been transitioning slowly into finding my value in the Lord for years. I have prayed for inward beauty that would reflect a proverbs 31 woman. Having a child has really been the final piece of the puzzle. After having Jimmy I came home from the hospital 22 lbs heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. However, that weight never weighed me down. I am a mom now. I had no idea how amazing being a mom would be, but it is truly the best I have felt in my life. Having another person completely dependent on me, really puts priorities into prospective.
There are things that really matter in this world and numbers on the scale or a pair of jeans are not among them. My relationship with God is important. It has a huge affect on what kind of wife and what kind of mother I am. My relationship with my husband is important. He is my best friend and the quality of that friendship is paramount. My relationship with my son is important. I need to make him feel loved and cared for. Eating healthy is one way that I care for him, love on my husband, and glorify God. It should not go out the window. Our bodies are temples created by God, not trash receptacles. I show my husband love by taking care of myself and attempting to look nice for him. Additionally, our baby is dependent on me for all of his nutrition, which means I need to put some healthy food inside of me.
Health is important. However, weight should not define us. If we want to go out for ice cream or have a cookie, it should have no say in regards to the quality of our day or even bigger, ourselves. Outward beauty should never be our defining feature. It should always be our inward beauty that we work to build.
I am so glad that God has finally taught me how to overcome an unhealthy thought process that has plagued me since childhood. I was enslaved, like so many other women, to something that has never left me satisfied. I cannot express how thankful I am that years of harm on my body has not hindered me from having children. I have been fortunate to have slowly lost my baby weight, but this is just my first child and I am only 24 years old. Lord willing, we would love to have a big family. I am sure that each child will affect me a little more as I age, but I will never let those changes weigh me down. I am putting my worth in a God who is never changing and always sustaining. I know where my value is and I know who defines me. I pray that anyone reading this who feels enslaved to a standard that they will never reach will break free and know the freedom that is in Jesus Christ.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Proverbs 31:30
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